Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
