Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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