I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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