Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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