I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
