Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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