It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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