Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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