I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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