she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
