i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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