I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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