My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
