Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
