thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
