glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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