HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
