peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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