I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
