That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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