My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
