Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
