Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
