He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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