I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
