I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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