I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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