Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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