dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
