the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
