i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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