Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
