I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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