I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
