A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
