Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
