He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
