I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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