My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
