I think I won the penis lottery.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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