you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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