I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he just fucked me for my cheese..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
