she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just googled if crying burns calories
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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