I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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