She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
