omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
there is glitter all over my balls
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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