apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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