im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
