she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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