I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
