I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
