I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
